


Shooting Up, Breaking Down

by ark_harpy



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Non-Graphic Violence, POV Alternating, Sexual Content, Takes place during Entry #85, Touch-Starved, Trans Character, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:02:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23464381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ark_harpy/pseuds/ark_harpy
Summary: Feeling human for the first time in about five years is nice, even if it’s only for a moment
Relationships: Alex Kralie/Timothy "Tim" Wright
Comments: 5
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: Reposting this because I made some minor edits and am in the process of getting the rest of this fic done (finally)
> 
> These fic I had been a work in progress since December and I have been working on it on and off since then so the writing might be a bit inconsistent. 
> 
> Most of the appropriate trigger warnings are in the tags

It was silent, Tim had been sitting in his car for hours and it was getting dark. He was getting impatient, and he almost felt disappointed in Alex for not showing up yet. It was an opportunity that Alex would've seized. Sneaking into Tim's house after killing Jay to catch him off guard. Alex was rational, but his actions have been getting more predictable the more he seemed to be losing his sanity. Tim was aware that Alex had been loitering in his attic, waiting for Tim to come home. Alex was competent, but Tim was cleverer than that.

His racing thoughts suspended as he heard the unmistakable hum of a car up the street. It parked across from Tim’s house, and he immediately recognizes it as being Alex’s car. Tim felt the bile rise his throat as he watched Alex leave his vehicle and stomp towards Tim’s home. He knew he should’ve turned on the ignition and left, but his curiosity was overpowering his logic. It's not like Tim had anything else to do, his house was one of the only things that Alex hadn't destroyed.

Alex appeared to be holding something heavy in his left hand and it resembled a jug of some unknown liquid. In his right hand was his gun, the one that had slain Jay. Tim bit the side of his mouth hard enough to bleed, he was furious and he gripped the camera until his knuckles had turned white. He shouldn't dwell on Jay anymore than he already has, he was hurting himself.

He could hear something crashing, it was Alex kicking the door down without even checking the lock. He pointed the camera towards his house, catching a small glimpse of Alex looking out of his window. Tim’s breath caught in his throat as Alex’s gaze was upon his direction. It was too dark for Alex to see that it was Tim’s car across the street, so Alex continued into Tim’s house.

Tim threw his car door open and got out, slamming the door behind him. He speed-walked towards his house, making sure he still had his knife in his pocket. He sauntered towards the doorway, a sharp and almost acidic smell hit his nose. There was no doubt of it being the smell of gasoline. He was now aware that Alex was spilling it all over the floor of his home, presumably to commit arson as he’d done to Jay’s apartment.

He shuffled towards the commotion that Alex was causing, he wasn't being subtle in the slightest. He struggled to be silent and keep hidden in the dark shadows of the half-lit rooms. He reached the hall where the source of the noise was, and he peeked around the corner to gaze upon the unwelcome intruder.

The hall was where his attic was located above, and there were doors to other rooms on both sides. Alex was standing in the middle of the corridor, his gun, and the jug of gasoline in hand. The constant spilling noise of the foul-smelling liquid onto the floor made Tim feel nauseous.

”Here I am.” Alex announced, looking around with a predatory look in his eyes. Tim winced as Alex shoved one of the doors open, peering into the empty room. He got a glance at what Alex looked like, his clothes were dirt-stained and had ripped in some places. He was wearing a green-gray long-sleeved sweater with the sleeves rolled up, and black jeans. 

”Where ya hiding?” Alex interrogated, already knowing that Tim wasn’t going to answer. He closed the door and opened another, disappointed when he found the room devoid of any sign of life. He stepped backward, a cocky sneer was on his face as he looked up towards the area above.

”-in the attic?” Alex scoffed, striking the entrance with his knuckle. Tim flinched at the abrupt noise.

”-that’s fine.”

He backed up again, his uncoordinated movements signified that he was acting overconfident. Tim zoomed the camera onto Alex’s pistol, feeling his dread accumulate.

”This is all your fault. I thought it was me, but you're the source.” Alex snarled, venom laced in his words. Tim stopped breathing as Alex backed into the doorway where Tim was hiding, but he turned back down into the hall.

”You're the reason any of this happened. **EVERYONE IS GONE, BECAUSE OF YOU. YOU LEFT JAY, AND YOU LEFT BRIAN. EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IS YOUR FAULT.”** Alex shouted, his voice sounded forced like he's scared and was trying to hide it. Tim felt his stomach turn at Alex’s words, guilt and resentment saturated his body. Alex was incorrect and Tim knew this, but his words were resonating in the back of his brain.

“ **AND IT WON’T STOP UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD.** “ Alex choked, his voice was beginning to break.

Tim leaned forward, placing his hand on the doorway to steady himself. Alex was backing up again, his paces were becoming more agitated and he appeared to be impatient. He was still pouring gasoline on the floor and Tim recognized that this was going to be disastrous if he didn't do something fast.

He felt a bizarre emotion spread throughout his body, he swallowed. He couldn't perceive anything other than complete and utter resentment towards him. Alex had taken everything he loved away from him, and all the pent up anger was going to make him snap. He turned off the camera and set it onto the floor, his heart beating.

Alex had his back to him and appeared to be finishing up with pouring gasoline all over the floor. If Tim was in a sound mental state, he would've turned around and left and not risked burning alive or shot. This was a whole different story, an opportunity that Tim was willing to take to get some sort of gratification from this disaster. He felt like some kind of predator stalking his unassuming and naive prey.

Tim exploded from the doorway he’d been hiding behind, slamming his body into Alex’s side with a limber ferocity he’s never felt before. Alex hadn't anticipated this at all and he crashed into the wall behind him with a startled yelp. The gun and the container of gasoline clattered to the floor, the remains in it spilling onto the floor.

Alex attempted to get up, but he slipped on the gasoline and fell backward. Tim pinned Alex to the wall, knocking him out of breath and stunning him. He straddled Alex’s hips to prevent him from moving and dug into his pocket for the knife. Alex was struggling beneath him and had knocked Tim off his feet until he pulled out the knife. He unsheathed it and pressed it against Alex’s throat. He could see the gears turning in Alex’s head in realization as he stopped struggling against Tim’s body. His eyes widened, and they sat there glaring into each other's eyes, trying to catch their breath.

Tim didn't feel as indignant as before; instead, it was a mix of pity and the intense desire to taunt him. Alex looked pathetic, gaping up at him with wide eyes filled with apprehension and his breaths were turning into short pants. The once overconfident and egotistical man sat before him, his life within Tim’s hands.

The freezing metal touch of the blade made Alex want to cry out in a mix of frustration and despair. He's supposed to win, Tim was the one who should've died. He wanted Tim to kill him, he wanted to die. He felt helpless and vulnerable and he loathed it. All the power and control he possessed had ripped from him and whether he lived or died was up to Tim now. Slamming his head against the wall wasn’t a pleasant sensation, it was making him feel nauseous and dizzy.

Instead, Tim pulled him upwards onto his feet, the knife still pressed against his throat. Alex's perplexed, not understanding why Tim was making him sit up. Tim’s breath was hot against Alex’s face, he was thinking about what he was going to do next and was processing it. Alex shook under his grip, waiting for his demise wasn't exactly comforting.

Instead, Tim dropped the knife, clanging on the hardwood flooring. Alex opened his mouth to consult with Tim in what he was doing but muted by him pressing him harder against the wall. His heart was pounding through his chest. Alex squirmed, not struggling against Tim, but not enjoying the sensation of not having any kind of control over this situation.

”What are you-” Alex began, he's interrupted by Tim shoving his lips against his own. Alex’s mind went completely blank and his entire body tensed up. The kiss was rough and it felt bruising as their teeth clinked together. He couldn't breathe through his mouth so he was exhaling through his nose. Tim’s hands clasped around his arms, pinning them to the wall. His fingernails were digging into his skin hard enough to draw blood. 

Alex couldn't believe that this was happening right now, yeah he's fantasized about fucking Tim before, but not like this. First, he was the one who should've been pushing Tim against a wall and kissing him until he couldn't breathe, not the other way around. Second, didn’t Alex murder all Tim’s friends?

Tim didn't exactly know what he was doing, but it was happening now so he guessed that he should go with it. Alex was gasping between each kiss because Tim was never giving him a chance to breathe. He's dazed and he knew that his dominant temperament was deteriorating fast. Tim squeezed Alex’s throat with on hand, and he used the other to pick up the knife from the ground.

He pressed the knife to his throat, pushing the sharp side so it only drew out a couple of beads of blood. Tim sheathed the knife and put it back into his back pocket, and turned back towards Alex.

”Uh, sorry for um interrupting whatever this is but why are we doing this right now?” Alex stammered, biting the skin off of his lip. Tim shrugged, seeming as confused as Alex was.

”Not exactly sure if I'm being honest.” Tim clarified, his face twisted into a scowl of sorts. Alex was going to respond, but Tim closed the space between them and placed his mouth on Alex’s neck. He hissed in discomfort as Tim began to bite at the laceration that he made with the knife. It was desirous, Tim deepening it the more Alex swore under his breath. It stung and he shrank back into the wall he's pinned against.

Tim made a clicking noise with his tongue as he reached downwards towards Alex’s pants. Hooking his fingers in the belt loops and tugging Alex’s lower body towards his own. His breath hitches as his crotch dragged over Tim’s thigh. He was hard, like painfully hard, and any kind of friction was making him lose himself. Tim seemed to notice this as well, placing his hand on his crotch to palm him through his jeans.

Alex nearly cried out, trying to steady himself by biting down on his bottom lip. Every time Tim touched him he felt like electricity was ripping down his spine and it was making him buckle his hips involuntarily. His mind was so clouded he could barely register what the hell was even happening.

He craved to slaughter Tim with his bare hands but at the same time. He wanted this, yearned for it. Alex hadn't had any kind of sexual experience for years now, so having one after all this time was going to make Alex go over the edge fast. Tim began to kiss him forcefully again, Alex panting between each one because he couldn't breathe.

_What the fuck._

Tim started to tug Alex, who was barely aware of his surroundings so he nearly toppled over. He opened one of the doors in the hallway, walking inside with Alex following suit. Tim closed and locked the door behind them, his face unreadable. The room was mostly empty except for a bed, bedside table, and what seemed to be a closet. It was a guest room of sorts, it looked like no one had been there in a while. The muted colors and peeling paint made him feel empty. It smelt like mothballs and dust. The smell reminded him of a childhood home he couldn't quite recall.

”I still hate you, you know that right? You ruined my life.” Tim muttered, still not turning from the door. The tension in the room was overwhelming. 

”I mean, yeah, if I were in your shoes I’d hate me too. Regardless of that, you still assaulted me with your mouth like I was the last person you could make out with,” Alex scoffed, sitting down on the old bed. He regretted being snarky and wanted to slap himself. A mixture of guilt and anxiety flared thought out his skin, knowing that Tim was still very much capable of killing him. Tim didn't react, staring downwards at his hands.

He wanted to forget why he was here in the first place. To commit arson and murder his old friend, Tim Wright. After that, he was going to kill himself so no one else would suffer. He wondered if Totheark or if The Operator was still watching them. It's not like it mattered anyway. What a fucking disaster this was. _Good fucking riddance. ___

__

__”...I’m surprised that you didn't kill me yet.” Alex was gazing at the floor, the silence agonizing. He didn't acknowledge that Tim had sat down next to him, still not saying a word. Tim turned toward him as Alex spoke up again._ _

__“It’s not like you have anything better to do.”_ _

__”I don't want to hurt you, Alex.” Tim fixed his attention back to Alex. He had lost his arousal from earlier and was now fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. Alex hummed something in acknowledgment, chewing his lip._ _

__“We’re the only two left, right?” Alex confided._ _

__“Yeah….” Tim was lying, Alex didn’t know that Jessica was still alive, but it’s not like it mattered right now._ _

__Tim sighed as he took a better look at Alex’s face. The room is dark, the only light source being the moonlight. Their shadows got swallowed in the flickering moonlight through the window curtain._ _

__He reminded him of Jay. At least, the Jay that tried to assault him in his own house with a shitty pocket knife. Tim felt a sharp pain at his heart thinking about Jay. Alex had dark circles under his bloodshot eyes, staring at Tim with a blank expression on his face. His pale complexion was more clear in the dim room. Tim didn’t know how to describe Alex’s appearance other than “obnoxious and sickly hick that hasn’t seen another person in months.”_ _

__“We’re the only two left because you killed everyone else, Alex.” Tim retorted, venom laced his tone. Alex recoiled as if Tim had hit him._ _

__“....I wanted to say that I am sorry, for all this.” Alex confessed._ _

__Tim chuckled, his throat dry, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers. No apologies would ever fix this._ _

__“Sorry for kissing you without asking, that was kind of shitty of me.” Tim let out._ _

__Tim's genuineness surprised Alex._ _

__“It’s fine. I mean, I would rather have you kiss me than beat the shit out of me.” Tim smiled weakly at that._ _

__“Did you and Jay do things like this? Like, you know.” Alex made an incoherent gesture with his hands._ _

__“Kind of.”_ _

__Alex snorted in response._ _


	2. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In a nightmare, I am falling from the ceiling into bed beside you  
>  You're asleep, I'm screaming, shoving you to try to wake you up  
> And like before, you've got no interest in the life you live when you're awake  
> Your dreams still follow storylines like fictions you would make  
> So I lie down against your back until we're both back in the hospital  
> But now it's not a cancer ward, we're sleeping in the morgue _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of this fic is NSFW, so here’s a quick heads up for that. 
> 
> The lyrics in the title and summary are from the song Epilogue by the Antlers

Tim shifted his weight, turning his body to face Alex. Alex lowered his head, burying his face in his hands and rubbing his temples. He didn’t want to look Tim in the eyes, shame was already scorching throughout his body.

“Can I kiss you again?” Tim’s voice was soft and contained a hint of hesitancy.

“Go ahead.”

Tim pushed Alex down onto the mattress, straddling him, cupping his face in his hands. He leaned down to kiss him, a lot more subtle than before in the hallway. His lips were chapped and tasted like blood. 

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Alex mumbles breathlessly between Tim sporadically kissing him. 

Tim didn’t answer. It didn't matter that the person that he was kissing was the same person that had ruined his life. It didn’t matter that the same place they were kissing was where he had kissed Jay months before. He is kissing the man that murdered Jay and he doesn’t feel a single thing. 

He kissed along Alex’s jawline and down his neck, avoiding the small laceration adorning it. A shudder ran through his body when Tim’s fingers brushed his stomach where the hem of his shirt had ridden up. His hand slipped under his shirt, dragging his fingernails across his flushed skin. 

The only thing that mattered to him was the fact that Alex was alive and breathing underneath him. He was acutely aware of every noise Alex made, down to his heartbeat to his strained breathing. He rubbed his hips against Alex’s, threading his fingers into his belt loops to pull them closer. 

He gripped Tim’s hips like a lifeline, arching his back to increase the friction between their bodies. Tim seemed to be relishing in this, having Alex reduced to such a vulnerable state. Alex’s clothes smelled like gasoline and cheap motel soap. 

Everything felt suffocating but he was in too deep to care. It felt like snakes were coiling throughout his chest and the pit of his stomach, the feeling sharp and it made Alex’s body feel heavy. His skin felt like it was on fire and he couldn’t imagine how red his face was. 

He wanted this, he needed this, he longed for something like this to happen. It was kind of ridiculous when he thought about the reality of their situation. It’s not like screwing him was a good form of compensation for murder, but it was worth a try. 

It had been nearly ten minutes since they were fighting in the hallway. Fifteen minutes ago Alex was pouring gasoline around the house to burn the place down. Now they were in another room making out like horny teenagers. 

Then Tim’s palm is pressing down into Alex’s crotch again, sliding up and then back down, torturous movements that bring Alex to the limits of his patience. He grinds down into Tim’s hand, biting his lip to try and fight the embarrassing whines rising in his throat from this surface-level touch.

The silence wasn’t as awkward as Alex supposed it would be. The fan going on in the other room and the chirps of the insects outside felt distant. The shaky sighs and occasional whines were the only things keeping him grounded in reality. The only thing reminding him that this was real, Tim was real, and that he wasn’t just having a fever dream alone in some dingy motel.

It was embarrassing to admit, but Alex had dreams like this often. Glimpses of scenarios where Alex hadn’t fucked everything up and he always woke up feeling nothing but self-loathing. Then he’d rub himself through his pants until he came in his pants like a fucking fifteen-year-old thinking about masked men with their gloved hands around his throat to make himself feel something other than numbness but it usually made him feel gross afterward. So many parts of him were missing and that was the only thing that could fill it. 

All of his memories for the last couple of years were corrupted and there were always pieces missing and he always felt like he was on autopilot. His brain clouded with static-like fog most of the time and he swears this is the most lucid he'd been in years. 

” Sit up for me.” Tim murmured, his voice freeing Alex from his dazed stupor. He swallowed and sat up lethargically, staring at Tim expectantly. 

"You alright?" Alex asked Tim, he nodded once in reply.

"I just- fuck, just tell me what you want me to do." Tim was stumbling over his words.

"Tim, fuck that. You could’ve killed me like five times already, do what you want to do." Alex didn’t know how far this was going to go and all he could do was comply. 

"Can I suck your dick?"

He was nearly startled by Tim's blunt suggestion. His fingers felt numb and his face was burning up again. His abruptness appealed to Alex even more somehow.

“Do whatever you want man.” Alex wanted to kick himself, he sounded almost casual, and a lot calmer than he how he felt. His mind felt like it was in limbo and he couldn’t think of a snarky thing to say. 

Alex’s eyes wandered throughout the room while Tim was fumbling with the buttons on Alex’s jeans. He pulled up Alex’s shirt so it rode up to his collarbone and began to kiss his chest and his stomach, it felt like he was being deliberately slow. He's flushed dark pink across his cheeks and down his chest.

He pulled off Alex’s jeans so he was just in his shirt and boxers. He placed his body between his legs and rested his upper body on Alex’s thighs. His dick was straining uncomfortably against his boxers and it was making him desperate. 

Tim rubbed his hands over Alex’s thighs, tracing his fingers along with his scars. The gesture was delicate and it made Alex’s mouth go dry. Tim seemed to understand what the scars meant but he didn’t call them into question. 

Tim’s eyes darted to different parts of his body like he was mapping out everything he saw. Alex hated it. He hated his body and everything about it.

He planted a kiss onto Alex’s thigh while staring at him intently and all he could do was look away in embarrassment. 

“Is this okay?” Tim said softly, pressing his thumb against Alex’s hip. He sat up slightly, pressing his back against the headboard.

“Mhm.”

He lays unmoving on his back, eyes glued to the ceiling. Alex found himself spacing out again, staring into the dark vacant corners of the room. The walls were a dull beige color and had some kind of floral decal pattern. 

He wondered if Tim wanted to do this or he was trying to cope with Jay being gone. It was a bizarre act of consolation but it worked better than having the shit kicked out of him. The need for human interaction and intimacy overshadowed anything else. It's hard for him to keep from projecting thoughts when everything has overloaded to the point of short-circuiting. 

His brain barely registered Tim pulling Alex’s dick out from his boxers and was jerking him off unhurriedly. Tim maintained intense eye contact through his eyelashes while licking a stripe up the length of it. Tim’s eyes were extremely dilated to the point where Alex couldn’t tell where his pupils were. 

One of Tim’s hands curled firmly around his cock and he had draped his other arm across Alex’s hips and stomach to keep him still. He sucked hard, swirling his tongue around the head as he took in more. 

Alex couldn’t keep his composure up any longer.

He let out a breath of air he hadn’t realized that he had been holding in and let his fingers weave into Tim’s hair. He hummed in approval when Alex lightly tugged at it. Alex put his other hand over his mouth to attempt to stifle any noises he made. Tim huffed and let his teeth graze over the tip of his cock. The friction was gentle, but it sent a faint shiver through him.

It’s not that Tim is particularly skilled at what he’s doing. He’s inexperienced, failing to set and keep a rhythm, but he’s trying his best and Alex welcomes it wholeheartedly. 

He stopped sucking him off periodically to bite marks into Alex’s inner thighs. When he would jerk him off, he’d circle his thumb roughly against the tip and it made him cry out and his hips would buckle involuntarily. 

His lips were swollen from when Tim couldn’t stop kissing him, hair disheveled and sticking up in all sorts of directions. His eyes, bloodshot and watery, squinting then closing tightly with each whimper. 

It was all too much. 

He pushed his palm onto Tim’s forehead, stopping him from continuing. Tim looked at him, puzzled.

“Was that alright?” 

“Tim, fuck, I don’t want to cum that quickly, you bastard.” 

He almost looked pleased by Alex’s statement. 

“Do you want me to get you off or-“ 

Tim nodded, staring at Alex with pleading eyes. Alex let out a weak breath as he tried to steady himself. He slowly shuffled forward, straddling Tim’s waist. 

“What do you want me to do?” Alex asked. 

Tim looked away and mumbled something that Alex couldn’t hear. 

“What? Say it again?” Alex demanded. Tim flinched and his face was blooming crimson. 

“Alex, Alex, please, just touch me.” 

The desperation in Tim’s voice made his dick twitch so he complied. Tim’s demeanor had completely changed once he had realized he was on the receiving end. Alex liked that. 

They were kissing again, sloppier and rougher than before as Alex gripped tightly at the collar of Tim’s flannel. Tim was squeezing Alex’s hips hard enough to bruise. Alex slotted his face into the crook of Tim’s neck, kissing it urgently. He felt Tim exhale deeply against his neck, the warm air making him shiver.

He attempted (and failed) at trying to unbutton Tim’s flannel with one hand while he was using his other hand to paw at the crotch area of his jeans. Tim mumbled something unintelligible in response. 

He nipped hesitantly at Tim’s neck and then trailing down to his collarbone. Tim was hissing through his teeth at that, his grip on Alex’s sides tightening. He managed to pry the rest of the buttons undone, letting his fingers drift around to Tim’s chest and down to his sides. It was a small move but Tim’s shoulders had gone rigid with a sharp intake of breath. 

The stark difference between the erratic grinding and the soft kisses drives Tim’s stomach and chest to twist at the same time. He clings to Alex like he’s the only thing keeping him tethered to earth. 

“Wait a second.” Tim squirmed underneath him, kicking his jeans off. Alex reached his hand down to his waist and let it snake around down to the hem of his boxers. He slid his fingers under his boxers and drew them down, slowly dragging his palms against his thighs. Tim shivered, the goosebumps along his thighs starting to rise.

He moved in even more slowly, focusing on only making small touches. He slid a hand down between Tim's legs, drawing a shaky sigh from the other man.

Alex squeezed Tim’s clit between his thumb and forefinger. He rolled his thumb against it gently. Tim gave a little whimper, breathing heavily as his legs trembled under him. His entire body responding to the little movement that Alex was making. Tim was smiling to himself, acting like this was tickling him somehow.

Alex lowers his head near Tim’s crotch now, and the hot breath and gentle lips between his legs are almost overwhelming. He shudders, rolling his hips up to feel Alex’s face pressed between his thighs.

Alex purred, stroking it faster, his fingers brushing over the tip, his thumb rubbing circles around it. He darted his eyes upward to gauge Tim’s reaction. Tim wasn’t smiling anymore and was biting down on one of his knuckles.

With his other fingers, he probed Tim’s entrance cautiously. He slid one finger inside of Tim, it’s easy because he was already considerably wet. Tim arches his back, biting his lip so hard that he can’t even make a noise other than strained breathing through his nose. His fingers teased, drawing some more moans from the other man as he worked another finger inside of him. 

He lowers his head back down and Tim whines in desperation. Alex tongues circles around his dick, giving a few diligent licks over it before taking the whole of it between his lips. One tentative suck is enough to have Tim throwing his head back and his eyes rolling back. There’s a slight hiccup in his rhythm as Alex readjusts into a better position until he resumes the quick motions of his wrist again.

He watched intently as Tim’s jaw grew slack. Sweat made his hair stick to his forehead, his eyelashes fluttering shut. 

“I-I’m-” Tim gasped.

It’s more than Tim can take, and heat rises deep in his gut, uncontrollable lust taking over everything else. Tim squeezed his eyes close, knowing he was about to fall apart. Tim came hard and fast, stars bursting behind his eyes. 

He laid there for a minute, letting the sensations wash over him as he tried to catch his breath. Tim was still panting, his body trembling as the aftershocks of pleasure subsided. 

“Oh my god,” Tim breathed out softly. His eyes were half-closed as he gazed dazedly at Alex. Tim sheepishly shuffled upward to sit in conjunction with him. 

Tim pressed his lips to Alex’s for a long, deep kiss, his hand resting on the back of Alex’s neck. He pressed a hand to Tim’s chest. 

“Thank you,” he murmured against Alex’s cheek. 

Alex leaned into the contact, urging Tim’s hand to run down his chest, his stomach, between his legs. He could feel the guilt creeping in again, a deep pressure that filled the pit of his stomach.

“Y-you don't have to-” Alex squeaked out as Tim’s hands hovered over his hips.

He didn’t deserve this. 

“-I want to, Alex.” 

He hummed nervously, then pitifully whimpered as Tim’s hands curled around his dick again. Alex tensed up at the sudden attention, then immediately relaxed once Tim had wrapped his fingers around him.

The simple act of Tim touching him sent Alex reeling with need, a need that almost seemed foreign and uncomfortable. He didn’t know what to think, didn’t understand how his desire was clouding his judgment, could’ve just said no and left it at that.

But he didn’t. 

Alex swallowed hard, the last vestiges of humiliation and shame lingering.

“Please don’t stop.”

He gave a small grunt, his hips bucking up as the last shreds of guilt left his body. Guilt couldn't even reach his consciousness anymore, all he could think about was Tim, Tim’s eyes and Tim’s lips and Tim’s hands and-

He came as he choked out Tim’s name, downright sobbing with his face buried into the crook of Tim’s neck. It was messy, all going onto his thighs and stomach. 

The room seemed to dim momentarily in color. His mind was swimming and his body felt like it was made out of the lead. He took a deep breath, willing his pulse and breathing to settle down.

Tim ran a hand along Alex’s spine in a slow circle, his breathing uneven as he held Alex’s upper body in his arms. 

Tim patted his shoulder and said, “C’mon, you need to take a shower, you smell abysmal.” 

His head was pounding and there was a faint buzzing sound in the back of his head. He followed Tim into the bathroom like a lost puppy, his body heavy and numb. He was shivering but he didn’t feel cold. His entire body was stiff and his face was flushed.

The cool tile felt like ice, like all of the heat in his body was being absorbed into the floor through his feet. 

The hot water made him feel tired, somehow even more exhausted than he was before. 

The soap smelled like lavender, the strong scent made him feel light-headed. Tim scrubbed at his body incessantly, trying to wash the smell of gasoline and day's worth of dirt and sweat off of his body. 

He still felt dirty, even after Tim had finished cleaning him off. It wasn’t just the feeling of being physically unclean, it was also the shame and humiliation and the uncertainty.

Tim lifted Alex’s face from his shoulder and smiled at him.

“Much better,” Tim said with a slight grin, his eyes looked blank. 

Alex gave a weak smile. He didn’t feel better. His heart still felt empty. Alex just wanted to sleep, to stop thinking, to stop the noise in his head.

Alex followed Tim out of the bathroom and he gave him a shirt and boxers to wear. 

“Are you okay?” 

Alex swallowed hard. “Yeah,” he coughed, trying to keep his voice even. “I’m fine. I think I need to sleep, I’m really tired.”

He still felt like he was going to cry.

Alex was so cold, he felt like he was in a freezer. He wrapped his arms around Tim’s middle and pulled his body close, his chin falling to rest on Tim’s chest. Alex sighed and pressed his face into the crook of Tim’s neck, feeling his eyes drop closed as exhaustion slowly settled in. Tim’s body was so warm, heat radiating from his body like a furnace. 

He still had so many questions. Why was Tim treating him like this despite everything he had done? Was it because he was the only one left connected to their situation now that Jay was gone? 

Tim’s actions bewildered him because they had both put themselves in such vulnerable positions. Tim could’ve killed him when he caught Alex off guard like that because Alex was so desperate for human contact that he ignored all of the possibilities that Tim could kill him, especially since he was the one that killed Jay so it would be some kind of vengeance on Jay’s behalf. It confused Alex even more than Tim allowed for Alex to do the same thing to him because Alex could’ve easily caught him off guard and killed him. 

_Did Tim trust him?_

He didn’t know how long they stayed like that thinking the events of the night over, but gradually, he heard Tim’s breathing even out and it made Alex want to sleep too. 

He eventually drifted off to sleep when his exhaustion finally set in. He can’t remember the last night he'd had a full night of sleep and the sleep deprivation was starting to catch up with him. He dreamt of static and a voice he couldn’t make out. 

\---

Alex stirred when there was a growing pain in his wrists and arms. He was drowsy and confused but he didn’t want to open his eyes, figuring he must have slept wrong. Then he realized something out of place that dragged him from his exhaustion. 

_He is sitting upright and he can’t move._

His eyes shot open and were met with the barrel of a gun, _his_ gun. Alex involuntarily recoiled at the sight, staring wide-eyed at the person holding the gun. 

“T-Tim, what the fuck!?” He sputtered out, his voice cracking. Tim narrowed his eyes and gave him an unreadable look. 

“I should be asking you the same thing, Alex.” Tim snarled, malice tainting his tone. 

Alex went quiet. He had almost thought that this was some kind of a cruel joke but Tim’s tone and body language indicated otherwise. Tim had zip-tied him to a chair while he was asleep and the sharp plastic was digging into his flesh the more he struggled. 

“I found the camera and the tape on there showed you breaking into the house and covering it in gasoline while giving your shitty monologue about how this is all my fault” Tim hissed, venom lacing every syllable.

“What the fuck happened in between that tape and now? Why the fuck are you still here? You could’ve spared me the grief of finding you sleeping in the spare bedroom by just burning the whole place down, if you came to kill me, why didn’t you get it over with already. You would’ve done me a favor by killing me because _you_ ruined my fucking life.” Tim spat, glaring daggers into Alex’s face. 

Alex was completely dumbfounded. Truthfully, he wished Tim would shoot him so he didn’t have to explain the events of the night before. 

“...you don’t remember anything? At all?” Alex said in a quiet voice, staring blankly at the very visible bruise on Tim’s neck. 

_Wonder if Tim could see all of the marks on his body and was writing them off as unrelated injuries._

“No? All I remember is what happened on the tape, you goddamn psychopath.” Tim’s facial expression of genuine confusion made Alex realize that he was being serious. 

Just the thought of explaining what happened made it feel like the pit of his stomach was burning and he was completely speechless. 

_This was going to be a long day._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has been a work in progress for over a year now, this chapter especially has been revised many times since my writing has changed a lot over the past year. 
> 
> I don’t write much anymore, I haven’t had the motivation to do so since my mental health hasn’t been doing the best. I poured a lot of heart into this fic so I hope you like it. Thank you for reading, comments are greatly appreciated <3

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic!! Please give me feedback if you have any :D


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